Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
