I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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