I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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