I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
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They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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