I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
