Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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