i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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