I just pynch a tree in the face
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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