Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
