I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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