At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
