I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
