He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
