I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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