ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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