you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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