Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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