Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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