I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
