my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
