Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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