Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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