My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
