are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
