Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
