I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
