You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
