I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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