seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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