lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He shit in the fireplace
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
