shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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