Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His nipple licking is glorious
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