I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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