Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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