This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
