dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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