she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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