Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
