Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
