I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We need a shit load of segways right now
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
