the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
