i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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