I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
