anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
