I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my sisters under your porch take her home
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
