Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
