hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
