so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
