so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He kissed a someone with a penis
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
