you guys were way drunker than both of me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
