On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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