y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
