Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
