There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
